I’m a woman in her early 30’s and I think I should bail on my wedding that’s supposed to happen in a month. I can’t tell if I’m being a coward or if my fears are valid. I’ve been with my fiancé for three years and we have been very happy on many levels. People look to us as the ideal couple. We are outdoorsy, fit, we love each other, we are best friends, we both love to dance, and from the outside things seem perfect or close to perfect. However, he seems to have trouble holding down a job and leans on me for financial help all the time. He says he doesn’t have any real ambition for a career and refuses to discuss it. Usually he’ll kiss me and say, “It will all work out.” I’m tired of those words.
I’ve been footing all the bills for a year. He’s always had trouble with money and jobs. I’m scared that he will never step up and have the ambition toward developing a career he loves. I’m a teacher and I love it. I thought he would have figured out his career path by now. He usually has a few landscaping jobs or house painting jobs, but that’s it and then he gets lazy and I’m left paying his portion of bills. This seemed okay as my fiancé, but as a husband I’m starting to wonder if this is something I can handle for the long term.
We have been going to pre-marital counseling and our therapist says I’m just having cold feet. My family loves him and keeps telling me that it’s only pre-wedding jitters.
On another level our sex life is not very fulfilling. I’m much more adventurous than he is and he says things that make me feel ashamed of my sex drive. I want to be more adventurous (kinky play) and he’s very traditional.
He is the best man I’ve ever known on many levels and it breaks my heart to think of being without him, but sometimes it feels like I’m only going through the motions. I had hoped things would feel better by now. I’m panicked. Do I call it off at the last minute or go for it? ~ Lost In Love
I’m so sorry you are experiencing what must be one of the most confusing times of your life and I hate to be the voice of reality but I think you’ve answered your own question. Do you really want to say “I do” to a man that doesn’t have the same values you have, such as career ambition, compatible sex drive, and someone you can count on to help with household finances?
It sounds like he has been a great boyfriend and it was fun to play house as fiancés, but trust me when I tell you that walking down the aisle with that kind of doubt isn’t worth it.
There is nothing wrong in postponing the wedding and being upfront with him. This needs to be addressed immediately, preferably in therapy. It will be uncomfortable to postpone things, but in the long run it will save both of you from the heartbreak of having to say, “I don’t” later and file for divorce. Divorce sucks. It sucks way more than canceling a wedding.
My heart is with you on this one. It’s not easy to follow your gut, but in the long run it doesn’t lie. I hope you find the strength to ask for what you need with compassion and strength. You deserve to feel giddy and happy about your marriage, not confused and sad.
I’m severely addicted to sugar and have no idea how to get it out of my life. I am single and lonely and my emotions are up and down (no doubt to the sugar). I’ll gain weight, 8-15 pounds, and then I feel gross, so I exercise and eat right and lose the weight only to watch the pattern happen again. My obsessions are gummy worms, chocolate, sugar cereal, and ice cream. Do you have any ideas on how to help me? I’ve read all the books, hired a personal nutritionist, I know it’s bad for me. I’m 34 and afraid of diabetes or that I’ll get really fat and never be able to be thin again. Any ideas?
~ Sweetness Ain’t so Sweet
I’ll start with a quote from Brena Brown, “He or she who is willing to be the most uncomfortable is not only the bravest but rises the fastest.” – Brené Brown
No doubt you already know your triggers, you know that you are using sugar as a way to cope with feelings that you don’t want to deal with and/ or it’s such a physical addiction you can’t stand the idea of being so uncomfortable.
Sweets are a hard addiction to kick because it’s considered the lesser of the evils of addiction, yet the outcome can be devastating to your body and mind.
What if you sat with the discomfort and simply observed the discomfort as a message. Slow down. Choose fruit, or yogurts or something sweet that is a healthier substitute as you gradually wean yourself off the bad sugars.
Remember it takes 30 days to really kick a bad habit and start a new one. It goes like this:
The first ten days seem unbearable and the brain tells you that this will always feel unbearable, but then you get to the second ten days only feel uncomfortable. The brain still tells you that this will always feel uncomfortable, but now you thinking, “Wait, it’s not unbearable anymore.” That’s a good thing. Finally the last ten days you start to actually like how you feel and realize that you feel better without the sugar.
So I’ll simply repeat the opening quote: “He or she who is willing to be the most uncomfortable is not only the bravest but rises the fastest.” – Brené Brown
I’m a 32 year old woman and regret so much of my past. I have partied since I was 22 and can’t find a decent job, so I wait tables. I have a college degree in biology, but my family told me I’m too scattered to ever make it as a science teacher so I gave up. I have hated my mother and my father for abusing and raising me wrong. I have all this pent up shit that makes me want to blame my family for where I am today. I know I can change my life around but I don’t know where to start. It’s like I can’t stop blaming other people for how hard my life is. I have a really hard time in relationships and I know it’s all because of my parents. I’ve been in therapy for almost ten years. Is there an easier way? I want a good life. I’m tired of talking about my past.
~I just want a new me.
I’m sorry you are going through so much. It’s natural to wish things were different. You are not alone. Your feelings are shared by thousands of people who have endured the same kind of set-backs. In the words of writer Tom Robbins, “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”
Believe it or not you are doing great. Just by being in a self-awareness process you are taking steps to let go. The first part of letting go is usually getting a little angry, then to realize you can’t change the past, you can only change the present and each new present moment creates a new future.
It’s time to love the life that is happening to you and not wish for a life that isn’t happening.
You are only 32, you have a lifetime of joy and love ahead of you. Perhaps instead of a therapist try a coach or mentor, or surround yourself with people that believe in you. I think the number one thing that people can do to change their past is simply by surrounding themselves with people who are feeling good and love their lives.
Fall in love with the messy parts of your life and remember that it is our shadows that create the contours of our personality. You are in a place where you now have the ability to impact so many people that have gone through similar situations. That, and you are young enough to find a wonderful man and have a wonderful family. Never give up. You will get there. How about brushing up on biology at a local community college? Ask yourself, “What do I want to do now?” With one small step at a time you can create momentum for a whole new you.
I cheated on my hairdresser after ten years. I wanted a totally new look and he was keeping me in stasis and always convinced me to keep my hair long. I love my new cut but I miss my old hairdresser. I want to go back to him but I don’t know what to say? Will he take me back? He’s listened to all my venting and woes over the years and I really love him. I just don’t want to hurt his feelings. How do I tell him I cheated and what if he’s upset? Is it normal to feel this way?
~ Shiny New Do
Many times long-term relationships get stagnant in any form. Believe it or not it’s normal to feel weird about this. Hell, one of my friends still flies in the eh states from Canada to get her hair done by one of her favorite stylist. I know many women who feel bad switching it up. I think we get attached because we tell our dirty secrets to our hairstylists. They are great listeners because they have to pay attention to our hair while we babble on about our divorce, sex life, or career woes.
Think of it this way: asking for what you want is one of the hardest things to do, so use this as practice. Tell him the truth. Tell him you just wanted to try something new, but you miss him and want to come back. If, for some reason he shaves your head when you’re not looking, I would then seek out someone new.
I’d look at it this way: he’ll probably be honored that you returned to him. Any man or woman wants to deliver the goods to someone they care about. Perhaps the communication gap will be fused to a new and amazing relationship and both of you can bask in the new-found spark.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We are both in our 40’s.We are happy and we both don’t want marriage in our future, but I keep hearing her tell me to “level up.” I’m home when she wants me home (we live together) we have great sex (or so I think we do since that’s what she tells me) and we are best friends (she tells me that too). So how does a man “level up” in these conditions? My friends say it’s because we rent an apartment and I’m not financially stable. We can’t afford a house and that my income is always fuzzy because I freelance. She works full-time and hates her job while I work from home. Neither of us want kids. So how do I level up?
– Confusion is Killing Me
I’m going to tell it straight: she wants the next level of stability and not feel like she’s the one holding things up financially. She works at a job she hates and you’re home freelancing and I’ll bet you might not be cleaning the house and cooking for her every night. If you happen to be the 1% of men that would cook and clean the house while freelancing (so she can just relax when she gets home) then ignore that part.
Basically she probably wants you to be more of a provider and take your financial situation more seriously. She probably wants a home, not an apartment. I’m betting she’s afraid to tell you because she doesn’t know how to motivate you. Ask her. It’s simple. Just say, “Honey, what can I do to level up so you feel safe?” Then listen.
You obviously love her and she loves you. Don’t fuck up a good thing. Perhaps you have grown comfortable and she’s getting antsy. Maybe you could both sit down and create a mutual vision of the future. That would be a win-win situation.