Is It Pre-Wedding Jitters or Should I Call It Off?

I’m a woman in her early 30’s and I think I should bail on my wedding that’s supposed to happen in a month. I can’t tell if I’m being a coward or if my fears are valid. I’ve been with my fiancé for three years and we have been very happy on many levels. People look to us as the ideal couple. We are outdoorsy, fit, we love each other, we are best friends, we both love to dance, and from the outside things seem perfect or close to perfect. However, he seems to have trouble holding down a job and leans on me for financial help all the time. He says he doesn’t have any real ambition for a career and refuses to discuss it. Usually he’ll kiss me and say, “It will all work out.” I’m tired of those words.

I’ve been footing all the bills for a year. He’s always had trouble with money and jobs.  I’m scared that he will never step up and have the ambition toward developing a career he loves. I’m a teacher and I love it. I thought he would have figured out his career path by now. He usually has a few landscaping jobs or house painting jobs, but that’s it and then he gets lazy and I’m left paying his portion of bills. This seemed okay as my fiancé, but as a husband I’m starting to wonder if this is something I can handle for the long term.

We have been going to pre-marital counseling and our therapist says I’m just having cold feet. My family loves him and keeps telling me that it’s only pre-wedding jitters.

On another level our sex life is not very fulfilling. I’m much more adventurous than he is and he says things that make me feel ashamed of my sex drive. I want to be more adventurous (kinky play) and he’s very traditional.

He is the best man I’ve ever known on many levels and it breaks my heart to think of being without him, but sometimes it feels like I’m only going through the motions.  I had hoped things would feel better by now. I’m panicked. Do I call it off at the last minute or go for it? ~ Lost In Love

Dear LIL,

I’m so sorry you are experiencing what must be one of the most confusing times of your life and I hate to be the voice of reality but I think you’ve answered your own question. Do you really want to say “I do” to  a man that doesn’t have the same values you have, such as career ambition, compatible sex drive, and someone you can count on to help with household finances? 

It sounds like he has been a great boyfriend and it was fun to play house as fiancés, but trust me when I tell you that walking down the aisle with that kind of doubt isn’t worth it.

There is nothing wrong in postponing the wedding and being upfront with him. This needs to be addressed immediately, preferably in therapy. It will be uncomfortable to postpone things, but in the long run it will save both of you from the heartbreak of having to say, “I don’t” later and file for divorce. Divorce sucks. It sucks way more than canceling a wedding. 

My heart is with you on this one. It’s not easy to follow your gut, but in the long run it doesn’t lie. I hope you find the strength to ask for what you need with compassion and strength. You deserve to feel giddy and happy about your marriage, not confused and sad. 

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