I met a guy online who lives 2 hours south of me. His emails were over the top – deep and poetic for over a week, so I decided it was worth the drive to meet him – sparks flew. He’s a graphic artist, fantastic dresser, his house has an elegant aesthetic, and he owns his own company. I stayed the night and we are making plans for him to visit me next weekend.
When I returned home I realized I had two more dates set up from OKCupid. I decided not to cancel them and went out on one of the dates last night. Kapow! Another stellar spark. A tenured professor of english literature, gorgeous and kind and contemplative. He has a 2-year-old daughter who he adores that was an accident with an old girlfriend. They have an amicable agreement. He gave me the sweetest and most present kiss at the end of the night that I melted. I woke up this morning a little nervous. Do I tell the man who lives two hours away that I am actively dating? Do I go out on date number 3 tonight? At what point do I turn off OKC?
~ OKC Goddess
Dear OKC Goddess,
Did I miss something? I didn’t hear anything about any of these guys asking you to be exclusive. Also, you’ve only been on one date with Mr. Two Hour Drive, so that’s still up in the air. Date away! Until a man that you are into says, “I love you,” “You’re the one,” and/or “I’m ready,” you can date as many people as you like.
I would look at dating as information, especially online dating. The first meeting is not really a date, it’s an interview. I like to call the first date a “meet-up,” and those first moments are hard to read. Each person has their best foot forward and you don’t really know someone until the peacock feathers come off. Instead of putting your focus on one man, focus inward on how you feel with each man. Enjoy the process of getting to know yourself as you get to know them. Do you notice any patterns? Do you attract a certain type of man? Are you tired of attracting a certain type? Are you excited that you are attracting a variety of types? What similarities do you see?
I think both women and men get caught up wanting the right person right away and then get disappointed quickly if things don’t work out. Relax into the journey of dating. Also, I’m not implying having sex with all of them (if you want to that’s okay as long as you’re not breaking any agreements and practice safe sex), but what I’m trying to say is don’t put all your eggs in one basket until the right chemistry clicks consistently.
It’s summer time and it’s driving me batty. Why are all the weddings and BBQ birthdays on the same day as my river trips? I only get one summer a year like most people. Here is what I have to choose from:
– Wedding in Seattle vs. Friends Bday River Trip three day weekend.
– Wedding shower vs. (another) Friends bday float and BBQ.
– Family camping vs. Friends Bachelorette beach weekend.
All three of these I listed the one that I *should* go to first and the thing I *want* to do second. I’m so indecisive and feel like I’m a bad friend (or sister) if I choose one obligation over another. How do I prioritize my life?
PS, yes I realize having too many fun things is really not a problem, per se, but I feel like I disappoint people when I choose others over them and trying to avoid hurt feelings.
Thanks for any advice Zig!
~ Trying to Avoid Hurt Feelings
The word “should” is an obligatory word filled with judgment. Did you ever consider that maybe the people that love you want you to be happy? I know they might be disappointed that you aren’t at their shin-dig, but perhaps they are not disappointed in you for being you.
How would you like your summer to unfold? I’d say balance it out. Good friends ARE family and we need to nurture both. And what is a wedding shower anyway? A bachelorette beach weekend seems way more fun. I’d hit the wedding, the birthday float and the bachelorette party. I think that covers a lot. Either way, just be present and have fun.
I feel like my life is slipping through my hands. I’m young, almost 40, and I just want to feel like something can happen. I’m a great mother and a great writer. I have the time to write (now that my kids are in school), but I work a full-time job as a marketing assistant and I just want to know this: if I reach for my dream (as a writer) will my dream come true? I’m also funny, attractive, and cute. I know how to juggle social media, but I wonder if I’m too late.
~ Did I Miss The Boat?
Holy cow woman! You can do more by being more of you.
First, you are right on track. Most writers and small business owners are starting in their 40’s. Way to go and keep going. If you are comfortable with social media you are half-way through the game of “see me now!” Show off. We get to be stars if we post all-the-time. Your feed gets lost in 5 seconds, so keep posting who you are, what you do, and have no mercy.
How can you monetize? Can you write email books? Give away a few PDF’s? Are you ready for the launch of a lifetime? It sounds like you are. Don’t stop. Let me repeat. Don’t stop. Consistency will win the race. Keep it going. Email me your blog or website so that I can blog about it, and send it to everyone.
Remember: Be yourself. The world worships the original. Go nuts. I look forward to seeing more of you.
I’m totally in love with my girlfriend. I think I want to pop the question about moving in together, but I’m scared. How do I know she’s the one?
– Choked up
Dear Choked Up,
You’ll never know. Is there a “one”? There is no way to know if someone is “the one” and personally I don’t believe there is just one perfect person out there for each of us. What I do know is that the person in front of you is the one you are in love with and that’s enough to know. The only way to find out what can happen next is to jump in and move forward. Often times we ponder and wait too long to see if something will work without being 100% in and in action. Ask her how she feels and enjoy the process.
In 2015 we have so many choices with internet dating and global communication. I think internet dating is great, but it also poses a lot of unwarranted questions and unnecessary doubts. If you are happy, and she is happy, I think the best thing to do is express yourself and be patient. I’m assuming you have spent enough time with her to know that she’s good for you. Odds are she’s feeling the same way, and if she is not on the same page it’s better to know sooner than later.
My GF, whom I live with, takes her dog to the store, to the beach, on camping trips, on runs, and when we go out to dinner. She insists on going places where dogs are tolerated. She allows the dog to sleep on the bed, at night. I once suggested that she might just leave the damned animal (not in those terms, of course) at home, and she threatened to leave me. She’s thinking of getting an additional puppy. I love her and do not want to leave, but I feel like I’m taking a back seat while the dog sits up front. Any suggestions?
– Back Seat Driver
Big Dog? Lap dog? It probably doesn’t matter. I’d say it’s time to take off your leash and have a real discussion about how you feel about this. Maybe you have done this already. If so, perhaps you might want to try wearing this onesie to get her attention. If that doesn’t work I’d say it’s time to start looking for a new girlfriend unless she is willing to compromise.
As you probably know compromise is the key to a healthy relationship. But before I get into that, let’s talk pack language. A dog that knows his or her place in a human pack is a happy dog. A dog that does not know this place is a confused dog, which may have the dog exhibit many unwanted behaviors because of it.
For instance, dogs should not sleep in your bed. In dog-world the most comfortable place to sleep is reserved for the higher members of the pack. If a dog is allowed to sleep on the bed, the dog must be invited and not be allowed to push a person out of the way. Making the dog sleep at the foot of the bed, rather than near your pillow, is best. Good luck. I’d say it’s time to put your paw down…… I mean put your foot down. Tell your girlfriend what you are feeling and needing to make the relationship work. Perhaps she isn’t clear on the consequences.